Getting video I am satisfied with has been a painstakingly slow and frustrating process. Small unresponsive crowds… Big crowds where I messed up the wording of a joke… Problems with crowd noise and bad lighting…. Plus technical difficulties. I wasn’t using state of art video equipment. Or do I have much expertise in editing and uploading a high quality video on YouTube.

I decided I needed a new camcorder and ordered one. Last Thursday it arrived via UPS. It’s a Samsung HMX-Q10; supposedly shoots in HD (but it’s not really “true” HD come to find out, but sort of, even though it has “Full HD  1920×1080″ in bold text right on the device). That night I drove into the big city to give my new camcorder a try.

Thanks to Yes and Food and to host Daryl Horner for putting me up at their Thursday night stand-up comedy showcase . I arrived just before the show began with my brand new camcorder and a pleading look in my eye.

Tue, Oct 25, 2011 at 12:57 PM – from Bill Calder – Subject: We need you for an Engagement

Good Morning Dwight York,

Blessing be onto you. I am Rev. Dr. Bill Calder, the presiding minister of West Wickham & Shirley Baptist Church, Corner of Wickham Road & Monks Orchard Road Croydon. United Kingdom.

We are hosting a conference come 28th, 29th and 30th of next month and we are pleased to notify you that you have been chosen by our Event Organizing Committee to add more light to the event and entertain our guests. After checking your credentials on (www.247comedy.com) and after visiting your website, we received the Lords direction to invite you to feature in this event and we also believe you are as well more than capable to deliver in this occasion. We have decided among the Event Organizing Committee to invite you to this program. (Was it my drug, drinking and dick jokes? Or the fact I sort of resemble the white European artists’ rendition of Jesus?)

As I earlier stated, the program is billed to hold on the 28th,29th and the 30th of November 2011 and we have also invited other notable speakers and comedians including Robert actor as well as Dan opera and also in the process of getting 2 others who is in the middle of an agreement with us for this program. As an inspirational and motivational speaker as well as a little comedian, I will also be speaking at this conference. (Obviously this must be a credible gig if they’re also bringing in “Robert actor” and “Dan opera” plus two others. Right?).

The conference theme has been carefully chosen by the Lord inspiration due to the backdrop of the present situation in the United Kingdom and this year’s conference has been tagged ‘How to stay focus when others lose focus: Holding on to God when things fall apart. And the keynote is : Survival instinct in an ailing Economy. (Sounds reasonable enough. Appeals to my altruistic side and helps make me feel less guilty/greedy for accepting such a large sum of cash as the world around me falls apart)

We want you to perform either before the speech or after the speech. As you know people get bored after too much of talking, So want you to make our guests crack their ribs and feel more lightened. (“Crack their ribs?” I hope this guy is not writing his own speech. I’m guessing English is not his first language).

Please confirm your availability for this event and the date that you will be available in-between this 3 days so we can put it on our website and start to design posters as well as hand bills. (They’re making hand bills? This must be legit) If you do agree to this contract we would also need a picture of you to put up in posters and flyers prior to the event date. You will only be speaking once in the three day conference. We have budgeted 19,500 USD for your fee and it is not regarding to your standard fees, Our fees are based on budget and we are not biased with our speakers fee, We budget for every speakers and comedians according to what the Event Organizing committee deem fit. (Good thing I didn’t throw out a number first of what I’d think is fair compensation…. of say… a tenth of that)

All travel arrangements such as Flight fare, performance fee deposit as well as Hotel accommodation will be taken care of as soon as you honor this invitation. We will send you all binding documents including a Letter of Invitation and Contract Agreement as soon as you honor our invitation. Email any questions you may have to: Rev.Dr.Bill Calder

You are blessed.
Reverend: Bill Calder
+44 7031873786

West Wickham & Shirley Baptist Church
Corner of Wickham Road & Monks Orchard Road
Croydon,Surrey
CRO 8DR
United Kingdom
(There really is such a place)

Quickly I replied – Subject: Re: We need you for an Engagement

Good Day to you Rev. Dr. Bill Calder,

I am available all three dates; November 28th, 29th and 30th. I’d be happy to entertain your guests.

God bless.
Thanks,

Dwight York

Within minutes came a reply from Rev Dr Bill:

Thanks for the email York, (York? Understandably we are not on a first name basis quite yet but could I get a little respect, mister?)

We are delighted you will be available for this event. May the good lord bless you more. Can we proceed? If yes, the church event organizing committee will contact you with necessary binding documents and necessary information.

Feel free to ask me any other questions , I will gladly answer them.

To which I replied: (I should have asked a lots of questions and milked this for what it was worth but instead I decided to try and scare him off)

That would be great. I will be happy to proceed. I hope you don’t have to wire me a deposit. The IRS has recently seized my bank account because of the charity work I do. Seems some of the money was funneled to an organization in Somalia with links to certain terrorist organizations. Perhaps you heard about it on the news? I just want to help feed starving children.

Dr Rev Bill replied:

That is OK Mr York. (He remembered “Mr.” this time)

Thanks for the email , the church event organizing committee will contact you with necessary binding documents, Since you do not want a wire transfer, will you accept checks ? or what mode of payment will you prefer ?

You are blessed. (Nice to know that my aiding terrorists was not a deal killer)

Me:

Sure I’d be happy to take a certified cashiers check. As long as I don’t have to email you my social security number. (I was assuming that it was the theft of my identity he was attempting)

Dr Rev:

Oh No, we would not need your SSN for anything . Its just a check and a mode of payment we have used for some speakers and comedians coming for this event.

Me:

Hmmmm. Sure then. Have the church event organizing committee contact me with necessary binding documents. You probably want to send me a deposit. Right? Let me know all about your event right away so I can post it on my website.

Dr Rev:

Hmmm ? (That was it. Not a “you are blessed” or anything)

Me:

Dude, (I decided it was time to call him out)

I don’t believe you are a Reverend. Or a Doctor. I don’t believe you have an event for me to do. I don’t have any money in a bank account to deplete even if you had my account numbers. I don’t have any money to send; in the bank or under my mattress. I am a poor starving artist/comic. I do not get offered twenty-thousand-dollar for one-show-gigs. I never get air-fare. AND I don’t do Christian comedy. I guess I have one joke that involves religion. “What would a priest say if he was having sex? Who’s your father?”

If this is legitimate I have an agent. He will be happy to look at contracts and send promo materials. (I’m the one pretending here. I don’t have an agent) If this is for real, I’ll consider it a miracle and from this day forward, change my act to Christian comedy and devout my life to Christ. (It was here I became slightly worried. What if Rev Bill was a real person and this was a legitimate offer? I’d have to change my act and my life style and start going to church. Plus I’d have to confess that I didn’t have an agent)

You are blessed (with incredible chutzpah)

Dr Rev:

This sounds very funny at the same time ridiculous to me.  Thanks to heaven we have not indulged our self with you. May God help and provide for you. What are you doing on proffesionals websites anyway? Don’t you think you are a disgrace to other comedians with your utterances? (Indulge themselves with me? That sounds dirty Rev)

Rev.Bill (He signed the email but left out the “you are blessed” part)

Me:

Dude,

It is true about my utterances. I not only disgrace other comedians but I disgrace many who have indulged themselves with me. Not to mention all of those who have come across my name on professional websites. I guess the Lord sent you some bad direction. He is known to work in strange and mysterious ways.

After the dinner party, I was invited to an after-party back at the club. Because I had a long drive home, I planned to stop in for one cup of coffee and hit the road. I did manage to stay sober, but I ended up staying until 3 AM. There were lots of old friends to catch up with like Costaki Economopolous, Tim Bedore, Pete Lee, Dwight Slade, Ryan Hamilton, Jackie Kashian, David Crowe, Tracy Ashley, John DeBoer, Kermit Apio, Tim Slagle, David Fulton, Chad Daniels… to drop a few names.

Besides being great to see everybody, I remained at the late-night party until the end because somehow I got talked into telling a few jokes to the crowd assembled at the bar. A comic is not going to leave the party when asked to do that. Although my audience was small and I was initially reluctant (especially being sober), I’m sure it’s one of those comedy stories I’ll cherish forever.

The story goes something like this. The hour was late and I was about to leave when a little drinking game broke out. It started with Chad Daniels doing an impression of me. Somehow that evolved into a game of Finish the Dwight York Joke. I’d deliver one of my set-ups; a point was scored by the comic who provided the punchline. David Huntsberger assumed the role of game show host. The rules were ambiguous and made up as we went along. Shots were involved. John DeBoer and David Crowe took their turn in the “set-up the joke hot-seat.” I came back in at the end for the tie-breaker. I don’t remember if anybody won.

I doubt the inebriated contestants playing this game have the same fond memories as me, but I shall not forget the experience. I’d been watching comics tear it up on stage all week. As the big celebration reached it’s last dying breathe, I finally had my shot to add some comedy to the big event. Whether someone else finished the joke or whether I delivered the punchline myself, most times my old bits got laughs. My jokes getting laughs from that group of great comics made me feel better than killing on stage on a Saturday night. Thanks Acme. You were great!

Dwight Slade, Tracey Ashley, Ryan Hamilton, Ryan Stout, me (incognito), Pete Lee

I’d list Henry Phillips as one of my favorite comics except I’m not so sure the term “comic” precisely applies. Henry’s a talented musician who plays guitar and writes and sings original funny songs. I believe he started out performing serious folk music. The kind of stuff you hear in coffee shops. Somewhere along the line he put a satirical spin on that genre and created his own brand of musical comedy. But it can’t be described completely as musical comedy either. A lot of laughs come from the things he says while setting up each song. It’s a cool kind of funny and he’s a funny fucking guy.

I’ve always felt an affinity for comedians who do their own thing. Although mine and Henry’s acts are very different, I’d like to think there are similarities. Like for instance, we’re both very different. Plus we both write punchlines of the make-you-think, read-between-the-lines, fill-in-the-blanks variety. And for sure we’ve both been in front of crowds that didn’t appreciate different or want to fill in the blanks. Henry politely puts it this way, “Sometimes you don’t connect with the audience.” Though he seems better at handling those situations (though I’m sure I’ve had more practice), I know he shares my angst. In his movie  Punching the Clown (mostly autobiographical) there’s a pivotal scene in the beginning depicting one such painful show. He told me the real-life story it was based on last Thursday night.

Punching the Clown is an independent film directed by Gregori Viens. Henry co-wrote the screenplay and plays himself. It’s about a tortured artist musician comedian who quits the road and tries to make it in L.A. The movie was released a couple years ago. It has won film festival awards and received lots of great reviews. I feel stupid for not being aware of it’s existence. Maybe I vaguely remember something…. The first I remember for sure hearing about it was when Henry mentioned it on stage last week. That says a lot about the kind of guy he is. It didn’t come up in conversation before the show. I hope he wasn’t offended that I didn’t ask about it. I really need to crawl out of from underneath….  But anyway… After the show Henry gave me a copy. I watched it a few days later. The very next day I watched it again. I only do that when I really love a film. Plus I wanted to make sure it was really as good as I thought it was. That I wasn’t just sleep deprived, imagining things or high. Or just laughing because I knew the guy. But in fact I laughed even harder the second time. That’s why instead of renting it, I recommend you buy the DVD. That way, in addition to watching it over and over again, you can share it with your friends. It’s one of those movies you and your friends will want to quote from. “I smell pizza,” is my favorite line. That wasn’t Henry’s. He has an amazing supporting cast. Henry’s brother Matt (Matt Walker) was especially hilarious. “I got a slogo and a logan,” was my favorite line of his. Although the cast was outstanding, Henry wasn’t out-shined. My favorite line of his was, “That was mostly my fault I think.” If you’ve seen the movie you’re laughing again.

Because he’s as funny on screen as he is on stage, I’d list Henry Phillips as one of my favorite new actors except I’m not sure the term “actor” precisely applies. I don’t know if you call what he does “acting” because he’s really just being himself. But whatever you call it, watch it and I am pretty sure you’ll agree — certainly if you know him – he does a really good him. Or as Dane Cook would say, totally captures his own essence. That’s a lucky thing for those of us watching. In Punching the Clown, Henry Phillips is his brilliant self.

I love doing Monday nights at Acme, but I only occasionally request a spot. I wish I’d go up more often. That’d mean I’d have new jokes. For me, writing comedy is a painfully slow process. Coming up with five new minutes of one-liners sometimes takes me months. Even then, of that five new minutes, sometimes not a single minute of it works. Typically I write twenty jokes for every one that eventually makes it into my act. And there is only one way to find out if a joke is funny. Get on stage and tell it. See if it gets laughs.

Sometimes I take the easy road when trying out new material. I bring a list of new bits which I casually tick off an index card. Having a list to read from means I don’t have to memorize the order. Plus it gives me cover when a joke bombs. I’m telegraphing to the audience that my jokes are works in progress and I haven’t put much effort into them yet (even though sometimes I’ve been working on them for months). Bringing a notebook on stage is a crutch. It’s a common practice at open mics. I don’t like how prevalent the practice has become. I decided to throw that crutch away last week. Not just because I hate being a hypocrite; it gives me a better gauge for judging the quality of the new bit.

I worked hard on putting my set list together for Acme’s open mic last week but I have to admit, I had my index card in my pocket just in case. I didn’t have a killer set but I stuck to my plan and kept my set list in my pocket. Some new jokes worked. Others didn’t. I got a few big laughs. There were moments of silence. Some in the crowd really dug my style. A few groaned in disgust. Over all, considering the audience, I guess it was one for the win column. Monday night at Acme isn’t really my crowd.

Although I can rate the open mic at Acme to be the best anywhere in the world, it isn’t always the best for this old road dog. The crowd is young; lots of college students; many below the age of twenty-one. Some too hip for my old-school, jokey-joke style. Some disgusted by the twists my dark humor takes. Although on the video below you can’t hear the groans I heard from stage, there was a few in the crowd who voiced such displeasure. Once when when I made a joke about trying to drown my cat. Once when they were late getting one of my stupid puns.

If you just came across my blog because you’re thinking of coming out to my show or booking me, please don’t judge me by this video. I have a whole page of clips where the crowd is thoroughly enjoying my act (Video). The reason I’m posting this video is because I thought some might be interested in how I develop material. Open stage is an important part of what comics do. Trying out jokes in front of an audience is the only way to find out what works. It’s also important to find out what doesn’t. It isn’t always pretty but it’s how the sausage gets made.

The Acme Comedy Company is celebrating it’s 20th Year Anniversary Celebration, November 1st-5th, featuring TWENTY of Acme’s favorite headliners ALL IN ONE WEEK. I used to do every Monday night at Acme back when it all began. I’d like to think I had a tiny part in helping make it what it is today.

I could use a career break and hope this will help. I plan to send some important people to my site soon. I’d like to share my vision-thing with them. I know my crowd — like my comedy — is out there. Perhaps it’s time I look for help in finding them.

I recently did an open stage at a blue collar neighborhood bar.  I had several new jokes to try out and I thought surely my crowd would be out there. Unfortunately there wasn’t much of an audience — my crowd or otherwise — in attendance. It wasn’t a complete waste of time though. One of the open-stagers was also a photographer. He took some photos and sent them to me. I think they turned out pretty well. You can’t even tell I’m at a dive-bar telling jokes to hand full of drunks. Thanks Lou! You’re a stand-up guy.

Photos by: Lou “The Photo Guy” Michaels

Last Saturday night I did not have a show in Ethan, South Dakota. Ethan’s a little town near Mitchell; famous for its corn palace. I took a tour of the world’s only Corn Palace while waiting for my ride. My ride was the feature act, Leah Mansfield, who also did not have a show in Ethan that night. Leah did have a show earlier that week in Nevada and was working her way home. I was catching a ride with her to our show that night, then back to St. Paul. I’d taken the Greyhound Bus (Jefferson services that route) to Mitchell to save wear-and-tear on my car. Although my bus ride was plenty depressing, our arrival at the bar where our show was supposed to be made the experience even worse. There was exactly one audience member for each comic and I do not exaggerate how pathetic the turn-out was. I picked up some cash, but I left some dignity behind.

I’m expecting a big crowd and big fun at Big Laughs Comedy Club. I’m promising that Saturday night’s show will be more fun than a trip to the Corn Palace. I’m hoping you invite your friends.

Daily Video Dispatch Reporter Dwight York.  Photo by Paul Fitzpatrik

_____________________________________________

When I tell people I’m thinking of giving up they ask me why I’d quit? Like it was some sort of fickle decision one would make like what color to paint the ceiling. That annoys me so I have to explain further. “Well I guess I’m not quitting then so much as I’ve been fired.” Today I learned that one of the few comedy dates I have on my calendar for September is canceled. At this late date there is almost zero chance I will replace it. Shit happens. That shit happened to me twice this week with zero new dates booked. That’s a sad score.

I started this blog at the suggestion of a friend. That was back when I was full of hope and wanting to believe. His hope was to become my manager/agent and put me on tour. I believed he had a very cool idea and was the person who could make it happen. The idea was to tout my Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, author of The Vile File and Sirius XM Raw Dog Comedy Uncensored credits and produce comedy shows at music venues on dark nights for door deals. We were calling it Dwight York’s Rock Club Comedy Mayhem Tour. And we had a motto: an evening of raucous R-rated comedy for a rollicking rowdy good time. My friend also had a marketing plan which included creating a poster and a WordPress Blog. I put a great deal of effort into making this new project a success. The result was a poster and a blog.

Although no tour dates was depressing, I kept hope alive. I still loved the idea and believed it could be successful. I’d find a better agent or I’d book the tour myself. But first I needed to create some buzz about me and my out-of-the-mainstream style. So I poured my energies into my website. Although I didn’t seem to make much progress in gaining new followers, I felt my work was good and I was laying a solid foundation. The scores of new followers would come. If not before the start of this summer’s Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, certainly during it.

Last March, I sent Punchline Magazine my manuscript The Big Risk; my mini-memoir about my adventure of doing stand-up comedy at the 2009 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally with the hope they’d publish an excerpt. The editor and chief, Dylan Gabino, wrote back, “i think having you report from the rally this year would be cool….. and if we run an excerpt from your memoir, i think it would make sense to do it around that time. is that cool? as your dates get closer we can chat about what kind of coverage you’d be able to do…. i’m thinking a short, daily blog post with a little flipcam video might be cool for our readers.” I thought that’d be way cool and my hope meter spiked.

Punchline Magazine is not Rolling Stone, but I was thrilled none-the-less. I believed I could turn this opportunity into my career break. I set what I thought was a reasonable goal. Produce good reports and comedy industry insiders and those “powers-that-be” would learn of my exploits and respect what I’ve been able to accomplish and come to share my vision. I also thought that doing daily reports for Punchline would add a legitimate writing/reporting credit to my resume. Maybe I could use it to get freelance work from other publications reporting for other events. At the very least, I thought it would gain me new followers to my blog. Then in the fall I would kick-off Rock Club Comedy Mayhem with some solid steam behind me.

Several weeks before the rally began, I wrote to Gabino to make sure he hadn’t changed his mind. Not only did I want assurance to get permission to film inside the campground, I had plenty of reason to be worried that my daily reports might not happen. Punchline Magazine had gone through major changes. They’d recently been bought by a parent company and were about to change their name to Laughspin. My concerns were put to rest when Gabino replied, ”yes, you can certainly tell [the owner] you’ll be sending Punchline Mag dispatches from the event.”

Although my reports were short, it was brutally difficult to get them produced. I edited and uploaded them on my laptop while working in a crowded bar with concerts taking place right outside my door. I was also managing the comedy club stage which meant I had plenty of other shit to do too. I spent zero time partying and worked every waking moment (sleeping little). I reached inside and gave everything I had. I delivered what I’d promised. It was a proud personal achievement.

Unfortunately Laughspin didn’t publish my daily dispatches. At least not on their site. The last five files that I sent them weren’t even downloaded. Laughspin did post the first four daily dispatches to their Twitvid page and mentioned them on Twitter. Maybe that’s what was intended all along, but it surely wasn’t how I had understood they were to be used. This was a big disappointment and a heavy dose of rejection but it didn’t make me bitter. Instead it broke my heart. I felt I couldn’t blame Laughspin any more than I could blame a woman who turned down my bed. Instead I blamed myself for not being more fuckable. Probably my reports were poorly done. Probably my dispatches weren’t funny or interesting or entertaining. Of course I thought they were plenty worthy of publishing, but maybe I am a narcissistic idiot.

I was majorly depressed in the days after getting home from Sturgis. I checked my YouTube views. I checked Laughspin. Just in case. I tried to spin my failure on stupid “what-ifs.” Maybe Laugshpin didn’t use my dispatches because they’d decided to go in a different direction. “What-if” that was the reason and not that my reports sucked. Maybe they were too serious? Maybe they wanted only funny? Then I read an interview Dylan Gabino gave to Rooftop Comedy explaining the editorial direction he planned on taking Laughspin. That’s when my bitter meter went into the red: We’re very interested in working with comedians and having them produce their own editorial content. We’re not looking to compete with Funny or Die or College Humor; we’re not looking to create funny web serials or that, we’re interested in editorial content. If a comedian is on tour, and wants to do a bi-weekly video diary of life on the road, that would be our angle.

That sounded exactly like the video diaries I produced. So he wanted precisely the type of videos I had done but didn’t use mine. That, to me, was a bitter blow. I didn’t think I could make myself feel any worse that day but I guess I had to try because the next thing I did was visit Gabino’s blog at Laughspin where he’d just published a video that sounded to me exactly like the stuff that would compete with Funny or Die.

The Note (Tommy Johnagin, Joe Zimmerman) is a very funny short film. I think it’s cool that Gabino posted it but seems a cruel twist of fate timing-wise for him to publish the type of video he said he didn’t want to use when he didn’t publish the videos of mine which were precisely the type he said he did want to use. In one last twist of cruel fate The Note is nothing close to a video diary, but it could be very near to a reenactment of a story that plays in my head. It’s one about murder/suicide (that’s supposed to be a dark “Ha! Ha!”).

And that ladies and gentlemen (and young cheerful comics) is how an old road dog like me gets bitter. People like to tell me that you have to take a shot at living your dream because even if you fail, you will never have to live with the regret of, “what if?” I am not so sure I wouldn’t be happier wondering “what if?”

Maybe someday this will be funny to me. I hope it won’t be at my retirement party at the fertilizer factory. Thanks to all of you who have followed my adventure and who read my blog. It means more to me than you could ever understand. I hope you visit again next week. I hope I find something light hearted and funny to write about. Or even better. Something hopeful.

________________________________________________

Afterword: I don’t know for sure that I will have to get a “real job.” I know for sure that I can’t continue to be a starving artist if I’m starved to death. I do know I’ll be doing comedy next summer. I’ve been invited back to the Legendary Buffalo Chip Campground for the 72nd Annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. Maybe next year is the year my comedy special happens. Until then I will keep writing. I don’t need anybody else’s approval for that. I have a publisher. It’s DwightYork.com

Nine daily dispatches in this made-for-YouTube documentary. In other words, if you’ve been following my adventure, you’ve seen them already, but not like this. Instead of nine short video dispatches, the reports are woven together to make this one short film.