This year will be my 5th year slinging jokes at The Sturgis Buffalo Chip® for the 73rd Annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. In addition to being part of the best entertainment line-up in motorcycling, I’m happy to announce that I will help capture the fun and excitement on video too.
From the Sturgis Rider News Blog: The Sturgis Buffalo Chip® will broadcast an exciting new web series highlighting all the fun and excitement that goes on daily at the legendary campground during the 2013 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. The twelve episode series, hosted by former Miss Buffalo Chip model contestant, Cat Chassis, and titled Sturgis Rider TV All Access, will run from August 1-11, 2013 and will highlight all the unique entertainment and wild happenings that fans love about the Best Party Anywhere™.
Camera crews are no rare sight at the legendary campground and patrons of the establishment are often able to catch glimpses of themselves caught on video while viewing the Sturgis Buffalo Chip channel on YouTube. This year the Chip has decided to step it up a notch. The series will feature celebrities, musicians, concerts and guest segments hosted by comedian Dwight York, local radio personality and Man on the Prowl Jersey Steve, and Mayor of Fun Bean’re, to name a few.
Two years ago, I converted my website to a WordPress site so I could blog. The plan was to write something new every week. But the demands of life and lack of enough cool stuff worth writing about made me lazy. So instead of every week, I decided to write a new post only whenever something groovy was about to happen (or happened). Well, it’s happening again.
This Saturday night, at a big casino for a tattoo convention, my unique brand of joke slinging will be part of a big stage show featuring comedy, music, Burlesque and professional wrestling. The audience will be comprised of people who know how to have fun and love having cool stuff done to their bodies. And I’m not just talking about the Burlesque dancers. If that’s not groovy, I give up.
Jokes, Pokes and Chokes happens Saturday May 4-5, Black Bear Casino’s, Otter Creek Convention Center. It’s brought to you by Tattoo You Minnesota. For a $15 weekend pass, you can find the the perfect artist for your new ink, watch others get inked, get ideas for new ink…. meet and commune with cool people…. Saturday, starting at 6:30 PM, the party kicks into high gear with live music, me slinging jokes, Northern Light Burlesque and H.O.W. Pro Wrestling.
Dustin “Gold Dust” Runnels
Besides getting a new tattoo, you can buy some groovy-cool T-shirts. Like the one below. It was designed by the tattoo artist Sam IAM Dunn, North East Tattoo. That’s me under the gun. The proceeds for the sale of the T-shirt goes to the promoter. I’m not trying to hawk T-shirts after my show. But I will be selling my new joke book, More From the Vile File, and my CD Quickies. Maybe we can work out some package deal?
“I really don’t know what it feels like to get a tattoo, but I have some painful memories involving camel toes.” – Dwight York
Tattoo artists/shops attending: Sam Iam Dunn of Northeast Tattoo Minneapolis, MN; Black Lagoon Tattoo – Superior WI; C.M. Rutledge of Beloved Studios – St. Paul, MN; Good Times Tattoo – Oak Park, MN; Dave Zappia Tattooing – Two Harbors, MN; Forever Yours Tattoo – Anoka, MN; Tattoo Asylum Studios – Spring Lake Park, MN; A.A. Custom Tattoos – Minneapolis, MN; Fox Valley Tattoos – Appleton, WI; Defiant Tattoos – Minneapolis, MN; Ghost Dog Tattoos – Cloquet, MN; Thee Dragon’s Lair – Owatonna, MN; Queen of Hearts Tattoos – Fridley, MN; Stay Local Tattoos – Denver, CO; Hogfish Tattoos – Strasberg, VA; Cat’s Tats – Owatonna, MN; Seth Snell Studios – Rochester, MN; Ink Spot – Carlton, MN; Tattoos by Mike MaGee – Thunder Bay, ONT; Shaun Benesh of Primo Ink, Grand Rapids, MN; Modify Tattoos – Becker, MN; Your Mom’s Tattoo Atelier – Bemidji, MN; Images Everlasting Tattoos – Faribault, MN; Permanent Skin Art – Maplewood, MN; Infinity Tattoos Rochester, MN; Angela Turn Boom of Ouch Ink – Hibbing, MN
Other Vendors and Artists: Jes Durfee Glass – Duluth, MN; Mizz Hot Rocks – Duluth, MN
Majestic’s Sketches – Duluth, MN; Hill of a Design – Superior, WI
I have to believe with an event like this, I’ll be adding a post next week with photos and video. Although, I imagine I’ll need a few days to recuperate…. There’s a private show after the pro wrestling for the tattoo artists (my comedy and Burlesque dancers).
Four years ago this month, after spending eight years living on the road (stuff in storage), touring as a full-time “road dog” comic, I moved back to my small hometown, Amery, WI. Things weren’t going so well at the time (career woes and relationship mistakes). I needed a place to regroup and lick my wounds. An old friend, who lives in the country, had an old trailer on her property. She agreed to rent it to me. Although it’s a modest abode (I call it my shack in the woods), I have a million dollar view and I love living the rural life.
I moved back to the place I came from to save money and to write. One of the ways I’m saving money is to take weekend gigs closer to home. These don’t always pay as much, but I save on travel expenses and can sleep in my own bed at night. Many of the gigs I get closer to home are not typically traditional comedy club dates, but are instead held at smaller town bars, event centers, hotel conference rooms, etc. Best part of these type of shows is that they are done only once or twice a year and are treated as a special event.
Seems whenever I do a comedy show in a small town, one of the locals will inevitably make a comment about how I must hate having to do a show in “Hicksville.” I tell them that the I feel the exact opposite. Maybe it’s because I feel more comfortable being among “my people.” Maybe it’s because the people that show up are not just there because they won free passes. Maybe it’s because hicks are nicer people. Whatever the reason, I think small town crowds are the best.
I have one of these small town shows tomorrow night at a bowling ally in New Richmond, WI. It’ called Gibby’s Lanes. Our show is in their event center. It’s 15 miles from home. It’s a three headliner affair with Darlene Westgor (Winner Nick@Nite’s Funniest Mom in America), Dave Mordal (Last Comic Standing, The Tonight Show, KQRS Morning Show) and me.
The New Richmond News published an article about me and my upcoming appearance. The morning of the interview, I posted on Facebook “I’m on my way to my favorite kind of town (small) to talk about my favorite subject (me). You can read the article online: http://www.
I am very pleased to make the official announcement. The months of waiting are over. It’s a book.
Thanks to my publisher, Stand Up! Books (a brand new division of Stand Up! Records) for making my dream a reality. And for producing such a cool looking product. The cover was designed by Ian Rans. Illustration by Aaron Caswell. The cover design was the brainchild of Rans. It’s a parody of a Chick tract (fundamentalist Christian comic book).
Thanks also to Greg Fideler, Dave Mordal, Chad Daniels and Pete Lee for providing quotes for the back cover. I begged them to read my book with the hope they might say something nice. I never dared dream that they’d come up with anything so FANTASTIC!
Speaking of fantastic (and humbling). Thanks also to Letta Page, who wrote the product description (below). She also helped edit the book. Thanks also to Bryan Miller, who helped in editing too.
You can pre-order my new joke book from Amazon. I have copies now, and will be selling them after my show. Amazon will have them within days. UPDATE: Tuesday, Sept 18: They are available TODAY!
Hope you like jokes! Because here we go…
May 1-5: Diamond Jo Casino; Dubuque, IA. Last week I was happy to take part in the Comedy $10K. More than fifty comics gathered to compete for a share of $10,000 in prize money. It was also an opportunity to see old friends, network with other comedians and schmooze with comedy business VIPs. It cost $50 to enter, plus we had to pay for our own travel expenses. Comics got a discount rate for lodging, but I found a nice campground nearby and slept in my tent. That saved me a few bucks, plus added to the legend. The one where “I was homeless for awhile, but didn’t want people to know so I slept in front of a Ticketmaster.”
The Comedy $10K competition started on Tuesday. There were eight preliminary rounds. One comic per show advanced to the semi-finals and won a share of the prize money. Though all of the participants had dreams of winning, you didn’t need to take 1st place to make it worth your while. The Comedy $10K had assembled an impressive panel of judges. This was a great opportunity to be seen by people who could help make your career.
Judging the contest were: Bruce Ayers, of Stardome Comedy Club, Birmingham, AL; Brian Dorfman, of Zanies Comedy Club, Nashville; Chuck Johnson, of Summitt Comedy, NC; Chris DiPetta, of Punchline Comedy Club, Atlanta; Cyndi Nelson, of Zanies, Chicago; Brian Heffron, Heffron Talent and The Comedy Zone, Charlotte, NC and; John MacDonald, of MacDonald Entertainment and creator of The Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Also in attendance was festival producer Jeff Johnson, of USA Entertainment. And if you were fortunate enough to be one of the top three to reach the finals, Dave Coulier would also judge your set.
Although I assume the main reason for most who entered the Comedy $10K was the opportunity to be seen, there were some who were there strictly to win. These guys were seasoned professionals and had already been seen by the esteemed panel of judges. I called them the “heavy favorites” and if you were a betting man and wanted to wager on the outcome, there were a couple of guys you’d be smart to put your money on. In the end, all four of these comics finished ahead of me, but that was OK. I had a different agenda for the Comedy $10K. I just wanted to be funny.
Of course, I admit I too had dreams of finishing in 1st place and hoped that winning the Comedy $10K would orchestrate my big career break. But I have been dreaming for over twenty years and have learned not to pin much hope on dreams. Too many times, I’ve burned my hand on that hot stove. Instead of dreaming of how my career might take off, I was more thinking of how it might end. I don’t know how much longer I can stay in this crazy business and I’ve begun to consider my legacy. I hope it never happens, but should I have to quit comedy, I want to be well remembered.
For I do worry about how the people in the comedy industry think of me. Especially those who aren’t fans of what I do and don’t offer me work. Over the years, I’ve earned a reputation: York’s “hit or miss” and “not every crowd is going to get him.” Which I’m sure was a fair assessment at one point in time. But most of those opinions were forged a long time ago. I’ve been doing stand-up comedy for twenty-three years. In recent years, my shows are much more “hit” than “miss.” And although my stage persona is still on the dark side, I’ve learned to sell that character better. Being different is one of my strengths, after all. There is a reason I have stuck with my crazy look and unique style and there is a reason I’ve stayed in this business. And I want people to know why. Having a killer set in front of some of the people who’ve been – in effect – judging me for my entire career was worth more to me than money or future work. It was worth my self-respect and sanity.
My first show for the Comedy $10K was Friday night. It was the last preliminary round and everything I’d hoped it’d be. The place was packed and the crowd was fantastic. I had a choice spot in the line-up; second to last. I was able to get into my joke slinging rhythm, ride waves of laughter and in the end, I won my round. It was one of those happiest nights of my life occasions and it felt like, for once in my career, the pressure was off. That sense of calm lasted for about 18 hours.
I spent some time Saturday afternoon going over my jokes, but I didn’t decide on a definite set list. Instead I just relaxed. My plan was to trust my instincts and decide which jokes I’d do that night. I wanted to gauge the audience, see where I was in the line-up. And most importantly, I wanted to see if the other comics were going to repeat material or not. The judges for the semi-finals, for the most part, were the same as the preliminaries. That begged the question: Should I do different jokes this round? Or should I stick with the set that got me here? The set I did the night before was my “showcase” set and I’d been working on it for months (see Quest for TV Clean Video Put to Rest). My gut told me I should probably do some combination… but I wanted to wait and see, maybe ask around…. I did have two other concerns about the semi-finals. I didn’t want to go first and I didn’t want to follow Dale Jones (he was the clear “heavy favorite” to win). But I had no control over that and refused to let myself worry too much about “what ifs.” For some inexplicable reason, I felt that my luck was going to hold.
I arrived at the Mississippi Moon Bar about thirty minutes before showtime and ran into my old friend (another one of the “favorites”) Kevin Bozeman. Bozeman said he’d seen the line-up and I was going up after him and he was seventh. So much for thinking my luck was going to hold. Dead last. Following Bozeman. Damn it! That was almost as bad as going first or having to follow Dale Jones. But I didn’t worry too much, right away. I’d figured I’d have plenty of time for that type of angst once the show began. Or so I thought.
Although I didn’t relish the idea of following Kevin Bozeman, I felt a bit of relief in going last. At least I’d have plenty of time to judge the crowd and decide on which jokes to do. Plus I thought I had an ace up my sleeve when it came to following Bozeman. He likes to work edgy. I like to work edgy (but probably not for a contest). Following him would give me an excuse to pull out my crowd pleasing sex jokes. I decided I could follow Bozeman even if that set would not score well enough for me to join him in the finals (I was sure he’d make it). It was ten minutes before the show began and still not once, did the thought, “I might eat it tonight,” enter my head.
It also had not yet occurred to me that if my objective for this festival was to prove my act was no longer “hit or miss,” one bad set, regardless of how well I did the night before, wouldn’t change that perception. In fact, it would REINFORCE it. But I wouldn’t have much time to worry about that happening. Eighteen minutes was all the time I had to contemplate a catastrohpe of that epic proportion. Five minutes before showtime, the comics gathered in the green room. That’s when I found out Bozeman had been given bad information about the line-up. I wasn’t going last or following him, I was going second and I was following THE HEAVY FAVORITE Dale Jones. That’s when the horribly unbearable thought, “I might eat it tonight,” popped into my head.
I’ve never jumped out of an airplane, but if I was to, I assume I’d only be half as scared as I was standing behind the curtain waiting to follow Dale Jones. Not only is he out-of-this-world talented and insanely funny, but he’s also super high energy and has a rapid-fire delivery. AND if you can believe this: his act is more quirky/weird than mine. I really can’t describe how I was feeling in those eight minutes Jones was on stage because I don’t remember much. Too many thoughts were swirling around my head for me to be able to think straight.
I did not watch Jones’ set (I’d seen it before…) although I wanted to. It’d have been nice to see what he was doing and how the crowd was reacting. But I needed to decide which jokes I was going to do instead. Should I work clean? It was an early show and the crowd was older. But I used my most favorite clean/clever jokes the night before. I had tentatively planned to work a little bluer for Saturday night….. And what about my opener? I like to mug for the crowd before I say my first words. In a perfect night, that gets a laugh and is my opener. But Jones was killing (that much I knew) with his crazy facial expressions which are Olympic gold medal winning in proportion to mine (state fair blue ribbon). I had no idea how I was going to open my show until the moment I picked up the microphone. Then I just said what came off the top of my head. “Welcome to quirky guy night.” It didn’t get a laugh, but it allowed me to catch my breath and think. Then my first joke did OK and a catastrophe was avoided.
I guess I’d have to say I had a decent set, although I never got into a rhythm, nor did I ever feel like I had the crowd in my back pocket. I did a few jokes I’d done the night before, but mostly I did different ones. I was able to get laughs without seeming to offend the crowd and I scored well enough to place 5th. That’s a very respectable finish considering who scored ahead of me: Dale Jones 1st, Kevin Bozeman 2nd, Dan Chopin 3rd and People’s Choice Winner, Mark Sweeney finished 4th.
I don’t know if I would have done any better if I had a different spot in the line-up. I am going to guess that the judges would’ve scored me about the same. But I am pretty sure I would’ve gotten a better reaction from the crowd. But maybe that was only because I let where I was in the line-up mess with my head? Maybe how funny I did had nothing to do with who I followed or when I went up. Nobody wants to go first, but Dale Jones went first and he won the contest. Nobody wants to follow one of the “heavy favorites,” but Dan Chopin followed Kevin Bozeman and made it to the finals. I do know this for sure. I’d feel better about my luck, if I’d have drawn a better spot. I often curse my luck. But I guess, I should thank my lucky stars I did as well as I did and that I get to tell jokes for a “living.” Probably going forward I should work on feeling grateful instead of worrying about my luck. You can’t control luck. And wondering “what if” will only make you crazy. Besides and after all, being a positive guy in this brutal business would be a better way to be remembered than being bitter.
Thanks to everyone involved in the Comedy $10K: The producers, sponsors, judges, comics, and my new friends at Lafnjag.com. And thanks to the staff at the Diamond Jo Casino who made the festival such a success. You people are the best! And a very special thanks to everyone who came out to the shows and supported the Comedy $10K. I’ve done comedy in lots of places. Nowhere are the audiences better than Dubuque. That’s good news for me because I’m booked at Diamond Jo Casino, September 5. I know I’ll still be in the business at least until then. That paycheck will be guaranteed.
A few months back, I received an email from an old friend and comedy booking agent, Jeff Johnson, U.S.A. Entertainment Agency: ”Donnie Baker and his band want to bring their show to Sturgis this summer. Got any advice?” I replied: “Yes, I do. The place they want to be is the Legendary Buffalo Chip Campground.” Then I contacted the owner of the Buffalo Chip, Rod Woodruff. That got the ball rolling…. Last week the Buffalo Chip made it’s official announcement. Donnie Baker and the Pork Pistols will be performing 6 nights at the Sturgis Rider Café® which is located at the brand new free access area – Crossroads at the Buffalo Chip.
If you don’t know who Donnie Baker is, you’ve never listened to The Bob and Tom Show. Donnie’s a permanent fixture and fan favorite on that hugely popular national syndicated radio program. Back when he first started calling into Bob and Tom, I worked with him at Wiley’s Comedy Club, Dayton, OH. Although I knew he was very funny on-air, I wondered if he could bring the same level of funny to the stage. He and his band did just that. The sold-out crowd loved the show. I had a blast myself that night and hoped I’d have the opportunity to work with Donnie Baker again. So I am very happy to announce that this summer, I will again be sharing the comedy stage with him.
This August 3-11 will be my 4th year slinging jokes at the Legendary Buffalo Chip Campground for the 72nd annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally (I’ll be there all nine days). If you’ve followed my adventures from previous years, you know that adding comedy to that big biker party has been a challenge. But things just got a whole lot easier, for this summer. Not only are Donnie Baker and the Pork Pistols a perfect fit for the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, but I have to believe they’ll draw a crowd. Comedy at the “Best Party Anywhere” just got ratcheted up a notch. And not only for those lucky enough to join the party, but also for those listening at home. Donnie Baker will also be sharing his exploits from the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally on Bob and Tom. Maybe if I annoy him enough, he’ll mention me?
Besides me and Donnie Baker and the Pork Pistols and lots of beautiful bikini models…..Sugerland, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Journey, Loverboy, Boston, Zach Brown Band, Erich Church and Shinedown will also be at the Chip this summer. More great bands to be announced in the coming weeks. Hope to see you there too!
My quest to get HD quality video of my “TV clean set” is officially over. My many attempts ended in multiple failures. I do still want that video someday, but my pressing need has passed. Maybe when I quit trying?
Seven times a professional video guy was hired. Seven times something went wrong. Twice there was technical difficulties (one resulted in BLANK mini DV). Three times the crowds were small (see video below). One night the crowd was too large (long story… camera man set up three million miles away… people walking in front of camera). One night, the crowd size was fine, but the level of their laughter was lacking. I’d like to think that night it was all the crowd’s fault, but of course, I blame myself. And I blame my luck. Sure it’s true that not everybody is going to get me, but do all of them have to show up on the same night? I wish that set wasn’t as bad as I remembered, but sadly, I have it on video – two camera shoot.
It was a emotional crushing period of weeks. I reached inside and gave everything I had, but came up short. This is the first blog post I’ve written since the fiasco began. I suppose I could write up the whole sad story, but to be honest, I’d rather have my prostate checked with a cattle prod than relive it again.
Of the seven videos, I like the one below the best. But unfortunately I can’t use it for the intended purpose. The jokes weren’t the ones I had on my TV clean set list (the cameraman had technical problems for the first 7-8 minutes). It was filmed in front of a small audience; late show Friday. I ended my set that night working blue. Although we used two cameras, I didn’t feel it worth paying to have the video produced. Instead I used the raw video from the one close-up camera and edited it myself. It was a simple job. Start point. Stop point.
WARNING: For (im)mature audiences only. Especially at the very end. My last three bits are purposely offensive. And I don’t mean just to the morally prudish. I’m sure the alternative comedy nerds will find these dick jokes beneath their comedic sensibilities too. Even those in the audience who were digging me, were made to feel squeamish. One woman’s reaction is plain to hear. I know I should feel bad for making her so uncomfortable, but I have to admit, I was loving it. Gotta believe she was too.
Lately I’ve been on a mission. I’m hoping to submit a short comedy set to a certain late night television talk show and I need a good video. Although most of the jokes I want in this set I have on video already, I wanted the new set to be in one unedited version with better quality video.
Getting video I am satisfied with has been a painstakingly slow and frustrating process. Small unresponsive crowds… Big crowds where I messed up the wording of a joke… Problems with crowd noise and bad lighting…. Plus technical difficulties. I wasn’t using state of art video equipment. Or do I have much expertise in editing and uploading a high quality video on YouTube.
I decided I needed a new camcorder and ordered one. Last Thursday it arrived via UPS. It’s a Samsung HMX-Q10; supposedly shoots in HD (but it’s not really “true” HD come to find out, but sort of, even though it has “Full HD 1920×1080″ in bold text right on the device). That night I drove into the big city to give my new camcorder a try.
Thanks to Yes and Food and to host Daryl Horner for putting me up at their Thursday night stand-up comedy showcase . I arrived just before the show began with my brand new camcorder and a pleading look in my eye.
I received a very strange booking inquiry email recently from a guy pretending that he wanted to hire me to do a show over in the United Kingdom. I knew right away it was bullshit. Not only because the offer was for a ridiculously large sum of money, but also because it was to provide entertainment for some Christian conference. I know how crazy and ridiculous this sounds. I also thought it was funny. That’s why I decided to post the email exchanges below. His unedited emails are included in their entirety. (I’ve added comments in italics in parenthesis).
Tue, Oct 25, 2011 at 12:57 PM – from Bill Calder – Subject: We need you for an Engagement
Good Morning Dwight York,
Blessing be onto you. I am Rev. Dr. Bill Calder, the presiding minister of West Wickham & Shirley Baptist Church, Corner of Wickham Road & Monks Orchard Road Croydon. United Kingdom.
We are hosting a conference come 28th, 29th and 30th of next month and we are pleased to notify you that you have been chosen by our Event Organizing Committee to add more light to the event and entertain our guests. After checking your credentials on (www.247comedy.com) and after visiting your website, we received the Lords direction to invite you to feature in this event and we also believe you are as well more than capable to deliver in this occasion. We have decided among the Event Organizing Committee to invite you to this program. (Was it my drug, drinking and dick jokes? Or the fact I sort of resemble the white European artists’ rendition of Jesus?)
As I earlier stated, the program is billed to hold on the 28th,29th and the 30th of November 2011 and we have also invited other notable speakers and comedians including Robert actor as well as Dan opera and also in the process of getting 2 others who is in the middle of an agreement with us for this program. As an inspirational and motivational speaker as well as a little comedian, I will also be speaking at this conference. (Obviously this must be a credible gig if they’re also bringing in “Robert actor” and “Dan opera” plus two others. Right?).
The conference theme has been carefully chosen by the Lord inspiration due to the backdrop of the present situation in the United Kingdom and this year’s conference has been tagged ‘How to stay focus when others lose focus: Holding on to God when things fall apart. And the keynote is : Survival instinct in an ailing Economy. (Sounds reasonable enough. Appeals to my altruistic side and helps make me feel less guilty/greedy for accepting such a large sum of cash as the world around me falls apart)
We want you to perform either before the speech or after the speech. As you know people get bored after too much of talking, So want you to make our guests crack their ribs and feel more lightened. (“Crack their ribs?” I hope this guy is not writing his own speech. I’m guessing English is not his first language).
Please confirm your availability for this event and the date that you will be available in-between this 3 days so we can put it on our website and start to design posters as well as hand bills. (They’re making hand bills? This must be legit) If you do agree to this contract we would also need a picture of you to put up in posters and flyers prior to the event date. You will only be speaking once in the three day conference. We have budgeted 19,500 USD for your fee and it is not regarding to your standard fees, Our fees are based on budget and we are not biased with our speakers fee, We budget for every speakers and comedians according to what the Event Organizing committee deem fit. (Good thing I didn’t throw out a number first of what I’d think is fair compensation…. of say… a tenth of that)
All travel arrangements such as Flight fare, performance fee deposit as well as Hotel accommodation will be taken care of as soon as you honor this invitation. We will send you all binding documents including a Letter of Invitation and Contract Agreement as soon as you honor our invitation. Email any questions you may have to: Rev.Dr.Bill Calder
You are blessed.
Reverend: Bill Calder
West Wickham & Shirley Baptist Church
Corner of Wickham Road & Monks Orchard Road
(There really is such a place)
Quickly I replied – Subject: Re: We need you for an Engagement
Good Day to you Rev. Dr. Bill Calder,
I am available all three dates; November 28th, 29th and 30th. I’d be happy to entertain your guests.
Within minutes came a reply from Rev Dr Bill:
Thanks for the email York, (York? Understandably we are not on a first name basis quite yet but could I get a little respect, mister?)
We are delighted you will be available for this event. May the good lord bless you more. Can we proceed? If yes, the church event organizing committee will contact you with necessary binding documents and necessary information.
Feel free to ask me any other questions , I will gladly answer them.
To which I replied: (I should have asked a lots of questions and milked this for what it was worth but instead I decided to try and scare him off)
That would be great. I will be happy to proceed. I hope you don’t have to wire me a deposit. The IRS has recently seized my bank account because of the charity work I do. Seems some of the money was funneled to an organization in Somalia with links to certain terrorist organizations. Perhaps you heard about it on the news? I just want to help feed starving children.
Dr Rev Bill replied:
That is OK Mr York. (He remembered “Mr.” this time)
Thanks for the email , the church event organizing committee will contact you with necessary binding documents, Since you do not want a wire transfer, will you accept checks ? or what mode of payment will you prefer ?
You are blessed. (Nice to know that my aiding terrorists was not a deal killer)
Sure I’d be happy to take a certified cashiers check. As long as I don’t have to email you my social security number. (I was assuming that it was the theft of my identity he was attempting)
Oh No, we would not need your SSN for anything . Its just a check and a mode of payment we have used for some speakers and comedians coming for this event.
Hmmmm. Sure then. Have the church event organizing committee contact me with necessary binding documents. You probably want to send me a deposit. Right? Let me know all about your event right away so I can post it on my website.
Hmmm ? (That was it. Not a “you are blessed” or anything)
Dude, (I decided it was time to call him out)
I don’t believe you are a Reverend. Or a Doctor. I don’t believe you have an event for me to do. I don’t have any money in a bank account to deplete even if you had my account numbers. I don’t have any money to send; in the bank or under my mattress. I am a poor starving artist/comic. I do not get offered twenty-thousand-dollar for one-show-gigs. I never get air-fare. AND I don’t do Christian comedy. I guess I have one joke that involves religion. “What would a priest say if he was having sex? Who’s your father?”
If this is legitimate I have an agent. He will be happy to look at contracts and send promo materials. (I’m the one pretending here. I don’t have an agent) If this is for real, I’ll consider it a miracle and from this day forward, change my act to Christian comedy and devout my life to Christ. (It was here I became slightly worried. What if Rev Bill was a real person and this was a legitimate offer? I’d have to change my act and my life style and start going to church. Plus I’d have to confess that I didn’t have an agent)
You are blessed (with incredible chutzpah)
This sounds very funny at the same time ridiculous to me. Thanks to heaven we have not indulged our self with you. May God help and provide for you. What are you doing on proffesionals websites anyway? Don’t you think you are a disgrace to other comedians with your utterances? (Indulge themselves with me? That sounds dirty Rev)
Rev.Bill (He signed the email but left out the “you are blessed” part)
It is true about my utterances. I not only disgrace other comedians but I disgrace many who have indulged themselves with me. Not to mention all of those who have come across my name on professional websites. I guess the Lord sent you some bad direction. He is known to work in strange and mysterious ways.